4/23/18 Dear Mishka, my head is spinning but my heart still beats.

So let's start at the beginning. Saturday morning I was sitting there letting my eyes go unfocused and refocus just to watch things double and then single again and my last time I try to focus again and I was stuck. Seeing double. After few minutes I remember that I was told this can be a type of migraine so I grabbed two Tylenol and hit the bed. Woke up some hours later feeling definitely a little loopy, so it's vertigo time. Grab the shirt grab some jeans grab the shoes closest to the bed as it very quickly  grows worse, make a break for my identification in the living room since I suspect a forthcoming trip to the hospital. By the time I get to the credenza the world is spinning and I mean big time. This is the most violent attack I've ever had it came on so fast and so hard. I almost fall over trying to walk about 3 ft. Use a heavy cardboard tube is a walking stick to get myself to the back door , hey it was the nearest thing that I could grab hold of. And actually the only thing in the apartment that would operate is a walking stick and hold my weight to it  it was some seriously heavy duty cardboard, I don't know what it originally held but I loved it at that moment.  I only started a fall over twice walking across the room.

Once I got to the back door I pretty much could not see any more everything was moving too fast and too many different directions so I leaned against the side of the cottage and stagger my way toward the main house. I had every intention of having Mom or Dad take me to the ER. But I got to the point where there were steps,  now I had been shuffling and trying desperately not to fall over when leaning against a wall, these steps were free standing in the midst of pine trees and made of flagstones. I knew there's no possible way I can lift a foot onto a step and then raised myself up so pride be damned I got down on my hands and knees to crawl across the flagstones and the slate.  I don't remember anything except the last step Then back up one more step to the porch and head for the glass doors. Oh look the house is dark, ain't nobody home. I'm wobbling and shaking on hands and knees at this point trying to stay upright because oh shit something is really really wrong. but it only takes 3 or 4 tries to get 911 on my phone and I call for an ambulance. Very very glad I did because after I hung up the phone I collapsed onto my side and could not move. I mean really I tried to roll over and get back to my knees I could not move. I sound like a complete drama queen don't I? But I swear to God that's what really happened so far. 

Now I know for sure that this was happening around 6:30 because when I first opened my eyes I looked at the clock to see if it was time to feed the cat. So I know what time it was when I tried to stand up. I have never had a vertigo attack hit me that fast and that violently. I've had over a dozen over the years many of which required the emergency room but this was the worst I have ever had, I didn't think that this could happen to you.  Have you seen the pictures where they put two colors of paint into a paint can and start swirling them around together? That's what my world was doing when it all started and it just got worse from there. Flagstones can be quite cold did you know? At this point I was truly truly frightened.  I hadn't had a chance to check my pulse with my little meter so I had no idea if it was dropping.  All I could think was heart attack or stroke.

Probably about 10 minutes later the ambulance pulled in and they came trundling around the house to the back with the stretcher. where I was screaming for help, sure they wouldn't find me.  Oddly i had the energy to scream.  I was loaded up and taken to the ambulance where they decided to run my vitals and hook up an IV before they even pulled out of the driveway. I remember honest-to-god asking him "please don't let me die".  I've been suicidal in the past but this was NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES.  Another drama queen sounding moment isn't it? At this point I have lost my vision and can barely hear. I manage to answer all of his questions because I knew what most of them would be ( truly too many trips to the ER have happened in my life).  And I was able to answer a lot of them by simply handing him my driver's license and my health care card that I had snagged and stuffed in my pocket. I do remember hearing him ask his partner for his radio because his was dead, the partner said hid was almost dead too.  'm gonna die.  In between barfing i let the world go black.  Seemed safer than listening in could hear him on the radio saying something about very low pulse. They let me choose the hospital so off we dashed for about 20 minutes to St. Joes, oh helll NO U OF M.  I wanna be seen now, not next week!!! This is where the real fun began as far as I'm concerned.  Let the barfing begin.  For the entire 20 minute drive and for a few minutes still at the hospital I did nothing but throw up and pass out between bouts To quote one of my favorite movies, I threw up everything except my memories and my redneck relatives. When I did finally try to speak at the hospital to answer questions my throat sounded like I had been gargling with gravel.  But they got me into the hospital apparently. I really don't remember any of it except a wheelchair because I couldn't lift my head. I played a wonderfully fascinating game of "stare at your feet while they get a bed." black and white black and white, the world kept going black. Once I was in a bed it was a whirlwind of people in the room hooking up this and that. I remember my boots being yanked off, the rest of the clothes must have gone in the dark. at one of the rare moments I opened my eyes I had so many leads and IVs in both arms that I looked like I was making love to an octopus.  Snarky cannot be stopped by heart attack. I remember deciding to let myself go ahead and pass out and let things go dark. I could feel a nurse washing my mouth and face and neck,,,eeewie.I could also hear at that moment the heart monitor start going off and beeping really super, screaming fast like it does on TV and movies when things are going wrong. Somebody was pushing on my chest and shaking my shoulder yelling "Wake up Pam!!" Okay I'll wake up but not by much, that's enough.  bye bye dark again.  blessed dark..

I remember them saying they were going to keep me overnight. So Upsa Daisy I magically was transported to the 5th floor. A doctor came in while a nurse was helping me cover my bare ass,  and explained that a blood test was showing particular enzymes in my heart were being sent  indicating it was under stress. Now with the exception of my husband living in Knoxville at this time I was completely stress-free for the last 4 months. My greatest concern was getting my cat fed and keeping it a plant alive.  WTF  I need support and love.  Off to facebook but down play it.

They were going to see if I looked better in the morning. So all evening we played that game where they come and wake you up every hour to stick needles in you and into your IV and give you this and take that. In the morning the doctor, a new one, came in and said that rather than dropping, these enzymes were climbing. They put me on a Heparin drip and they also took away one of my medications blaming it for everything that was going on. I spent the day with people coming in approximately every 30 minutes poking at my veins drawing blood for this and that. After a while I just now ran out of veins and I look like I've been in a bar fight there so many bruises on my hand. At one point we went through four nurses each being allowed to try twice to draw blood and they just couldn't get it done. The last nurse announced that it was like playing whack-a-mole. She then pulled off a trick her mother the nurse had taught her  and hit a vein no problem. By now they had taken off about half of my octopus, the rest of it was attached to some sort of battery pack or monitor and tucked into my shirt pocket.

Mom and dad came Sunday afternoon with some requested socks and underwear.  Hey I was in bed when this thing started and I knew I was in trouble, that involves grab your clothes grab your shoes no I'm not going to bend over and dig around in the drawer for underwear and socks. I'll just have to go as is. It was good timing because the doctor came in and shut and locked the door to talk with us. You want to talk about a frightening beginning?  He announced that they were going to do an ultrasound or echo on my heart itself to see if there was anything wrong going on. He also informed all of us that in the morning the specialist from  a cardiac  center  was going to come to the hospital and give me a heart catheter. This involves sticking something into a vein in my arm and pushing it all the way to my heart so they could look at it directly.  That was terrifying to me.  Dad asked some questions that I no longer remember but I knew at the time that they were good to ask.  He said it was good he was there, at the words heart cath I went white and my eyes glazed over . Around 11 Saturday  night after one set of blood tests one of the nurses suddenly came in my room hauling ass. Seriously, she came around the corner at a run.  This is not helping me with my anxiety. She announced that basically I was responding a little too much to the Heparin  AND I WAS NOT TO LEAVE THE BED!  I knew I would eventually need to leave the bed cuz they had just hung a fresh liter of solution in my remaining IV Port. The other port was still in my other arm but nothing hooked to it currently, I guess though they were expecting something more to happen since they didn't take it out. All of this wonder joy going on in my life.  When 11:30 p.m. rolled around and three nurses so far had tried multiple times and failed to hit a vein for yet another blood draw the 4th nurse came in to try and get the last blood sample she announced that basically at this point they were playing whack-a-mole with my veins. Apparently they roll, a lot. The next nurse that came on duty walked in and hit a vein on the first try and we got a full vial. So it is a quarter after midnight and I'm here for another night. But she just poked her nose in the door and announced that if they didn't like the results of these tests they were going to draw more.  Good luck finding any. They have taken away the Heparin or at least eased back on it, and in the morning we will see if my heart is still kicking out those enzymes and how I'm doing with the blood thinner and stick in that heart catheter.

Monday afternoon another nurse came tearing around and said the monitors showed my heart had stopped.  It was heart cath day.  I go home tomorrow.  In a sling with serious instructions to NOT MOVE THE ARM.  Also to see my Dr.  He hummed and chuckled (they apparently described me as a charming patient)  Then said matter-of-factually, "Yup, you had a heart attack"  "You're not taking that medication anymore.

So I'm on a whole new cocktail of drugs and a hemp derivative so I don't lose my hands.  I'm told I can get Medical Marijuana But seriously, toke upon my ultra conservative parents property.  Hell No.  Or how bout with Matt around.  Yeah...Assistant Director for Student Conduct and Ethics and his room smells like has bash and so do his work clothes.  Fuck no!!!!

Mom and dad plan on selling this place, cannot have it smell like Animal House.

So, how was your weekend?