March something...Dear Mishka

The spouses coastal cruise

So the faculty spouses outing headed out once a week on an adventure which is primarily our excuse to drink, bob about in the ocean, glasses of wine in hand, and flop in the sun, beer nearby. In the past we've gone to waterfalls, played in the sea, shopped in the capital, eaten great food..and now there was this, the exciting first time coastal cruise.  There was a beautiful one previously for faculty where we stopped at different coves to look at reefs and caves and snorkel our way down the coast.

BUT.......Then there was this experience, it was like we had passed God off.. We arrived and there was an empty dive shop with a locked boutique above in what resembled an old barn, and a shabby dock, with no boat. Last year I agreed to sell jewelry in the now locked boutique so we got him to open it to see my jewelry (that they were not selling). It was no where in sight, everything was covered in dust and I hadn't seen a dime. The trip better be better than this crapola.

Out away to the water we could see a sort of cross between a tourist boat and a fishing trawler.  Oh god no, we all hoped.  Yep. Our Captain was a paunchy guy on his own with skinny first mate-ish.  the sweaty guy in a swimsuit took our $95 each and led us down to the rickety dock, pointing out loose boards for us not to step on. There,  sitting low in the water was a rough dingy. Bobbing about with three boards stretching across it as if for stability......NOPE!

We were told we had to climb down and somehow jump into the boat, then sit on one off the boards. Whaaaaaat?

I managed it in a leap that they tried to wave off (like there was another way to get 6 feet down?) but I had timed it so my tail landed on a board (seat). For christs sake, some of these women are 15 year ex-pats and 60 - 70 years olds!  Not to mention a physically disabled member. How the hell they got in I will never know.   Only a few of us fit at a time without tipping the dingy over. so we wobbled back and forth and held on for dear life as we loaded up, careful to stay on our side so we didn't tip over and then we headed for, you guessed it, the little boat..we were helped up by Mr Paunchy and now sweaty who grabbed us and bodily yanked us up..  I didn't get a grip and as I slipped I laughingly called out "Going down"!

My cohorts laughed with me but our captain was not amused and yanked me up, HARD..... ouch.  SOB.

Once we got both boatloads there and every one aboard he told us to stay evenly dispersed on the boat or risk tipping over.  TIP OVER?  Gosh this was already worth my $95.  One of the other women and I discussed how unhappy everyone was.  We were then offered the promised refreshments.......  a small cooler of juice or water.  This was our choice. 

There was only enough cover on the boat for about 4 people at a time, the rest were stuck in the sun so we had to rotate to avoid terrible sunburn.  Our cruise never stopped for the advertised snorkel spots until we about had a coup and demanded he stop at a popular spot where we could jump in and cool off..

At long last we arrived at our goal, the Romance Cafe at Mero beach.  But wait, where's the dock?  Instead we maneuvered in sight of the cafe for about 30 minutes to a semi shallow part.  We then had to unceremoniously climb down the dive ladder, land in chest high water where they handed us our belongings which we balanced on our heads and waded to shore.  Oh the dignity and relaxing adventure.

The Romance Café did their best to deal with approximately a dozen customers and the single kitchen. We were used to this and knew it would take about a half hour to get our food . Once we receive it we all enjoyed a leisurely lunch and then headed down to the beach where we could lay on beach chairs beneath the new cabanas and enjoy the warmth of the sand and the water. 

Once we got stretched out in the chairs, opened our books and laid-back, suddenly Captain Paunchy leaned down on the horn repeatedly. You have got to be kidding me! He had decided that our adventure was over and we had to all gather our things, balance them on our heads, and wade back out to the boat where we tossed our belongings up to be caught and set aside before we wobbled our way up the ladder again . We wanted to kill them by now.

Of course at some point on the way back the weather had changed and the wind picked up.  This meant waves in all directions.  I watched our skinny first (and only) mate spin that wheel all the way left, then all the way right, over and over trying to meet every wave head on.  This resulted in skewing about like an Olympic snow skier in a pine forest, in addition to bouncing.  God bless my Zofran and lack of faith in boats.

And of course what are waves and whitecaps and nausea without the addition of freezing cold rain. The only amusement we had was a rainbow that actually splashed down into the water. If you've never seen a rainbow that actually ends in the water it's about the neatest thing in the world. It looks like paint cans of all colors were  poured down . Environmentally friendly paint of course.

We all tried cramming ourselves underneath the itty-bitty cover only to discover that the wind blew the rain right inside. Some of the oldest of our ex-pats we covered up with towels as best we could to attempt to keep them dry, warm, and still partially alive for the most part . At last we arrived back in the bay. Thank freaking God. We were all cold, soaking wet, and pissed off . There was also no sign of the dinghy anywhere in sight . We waited for about 20 minutes and then began ranting and raving to Captain Paunchy. He at last got on his cell phone and called the captain of our useless little dinghy. The dinghy was still in the river nearby and the driver, the son of a bitch, was warm and dry inside and didn't want to go outside and get wet . I didn't hear what the captain actually said but I suspect it was along the lines of I'm going to turn these women loose on you if you don't get out here

While waiting for our little wooden tub we asked the captain why in the name of God he didn't just tie up to the dock. He explained that the cleat had been pulled loose by a previous boat that had docked there and forgotten to untie before pulling away. He didn't actually explain to us why he never got around to repairing the goddamn thing instead of shipping us all out on these little canoes. However he was kind enough to point out to us one more time the loose boards that we shouldn't step on or we might fall through and into the water if we didn't actually break a leg .

I made sure complaints were made to Carol about the fact that we spent so much money and got basically a miserable time . She looked surprised . Do you want to know the real surprise? A recent suggestion for an outing included doing this again! No amount of alcohol in this world could possibly get me on this trip, I will sing karaoke first .